Thursday, June 2, 2011

Love And Money

Love And Money
by Takara Alexis

Researchers have seen a noticeable difference when it comes to people who live together and people who are married. When people are living together, they still function as two independent souls who happen to reside under one roof. But when they marry, they begin carrying the cultural weight that for generations has come along with being husbands or wives, and their behavior changes accordingly.

Interestingly, the more financial independence a woman has the less likely she is to get married. Working women are 50 percent more likely to move in with a partner and 15 percent less likely to marry than women who don't work steadily, according to research from Cornell University. By contrast, the more financially independent men are, the more likely they are to want to put a ring on someones finger.

Men who make an above-average salary are 26 percent more likely to get married than those who earn an average one. Experts who look at educational trends-the fact that more women than men are now applying to college and to many graduate schools-trust that by 2030 the average female will make more than the average male.

Some families conceal the fact that the woman makes more money by putting total financial control in the hands of the man or by earmarking the woman's income to pay the big bills so there's no money left for her to spend as she sees fit. Other times, the woman feels so guilty about out-earning her partner that she takes on more of the housework. Seldom will either spouse admit that the woman is the breadwinner to their families or friends. And if and when those sketchy fixes fail to work, more of these families split up than the average.

Paychecks and housework aside, a new study from the University of Virginia shows that the factor that contributes most to whether you are happy in your marriage is whether your husband or partner is involved emotionally. If he listens to you, is concerned about what is important to you, stops and focuses when it's clear that you're happy or not about something and want to share, you are likely to want to stick around for more. How do you get him to this point? Begin by doing the same for him. If he doesn't get it, then simply ask him to pay attention.

If you disagree about the goals, work it out. Even agreeing to disagree about specific things is part of the process. These are the important things, not the amount of your individual paychecks. The size of your paychecks is crucial only to whether there is enough there-combined-in order to make those things possible. And if there's not, then you both modify the goals, or modify your jobs, to make them possible. But you do it working together. You keep the lines of communication open.

Here's the solution: You have to believe, deep down, that what your partner is bringing to the relationship is just as valuable as what you are bringing to the relationship. Otherwise, you are certain to fail.

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